hm hier ein kleiner auszug von letzter zeit.
ich hab ja die 3 monate die ich weg war trotzdem weiter briefe geschrieben (nicht abgeschickt)..
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Today my sis had asked me how I'd feel about being here and not in Australia.
And I said, it's like sitting in a prison and waiting for the day of my freedom. The prison is really nice, it's very big and the people are kind, the food is great and I can do whatever I want, read, draw, learn, movies, dance, whatever. But still, it's a prison. And I'm counting the days when I'll be free and can go home. That's how I feel.
I have finally made it and have delated your mobile and phone numbers. And it already makes me breaking down. But I have to be strong. I can't watch any vids about Australia anymore, I just can't stand it that I'm still 6 months away from touching Aussie ground. If it'd only be summer already... I miss you....
I want to tell you right now that all the snow has melted here and that I really want to work on your farm... and I want time to pass by faster so that by tomorrow I'd stand in front of you. Even if it was just a 'hello'. It doesn't have to be more... but just to... see ... you..
But you know, with each day I leave a bit of the past behind me.
I've been through a lot of heartache. But I think the most important of all is to be able to forgive. And to be thankful, for the experience and the personal gain. Even if it wasn't all just positive.
To learn and to become stronger.
Life is a permanent falling and getting up.
Illusions are just as much a part of life as reality.
Everybody is baking his own cake of joy and misery.
When I come back I will show you my self made cake ^_-
Do you remember saying to me 'I'm a liar' ? I know you are, but you what I think now ? That having said this made you one of the most honest persons... Because we know that everybody's a liar, some more, some less, some better, some worse. But you were so honest to admit it. And that's a big difference to many other people.
I believe that you haven't fooled me, despite everyone.
Sure I got nothing from you... no kiss, no sex, no relationship, no words, no number, no contact, no picture... I've got nothing but memories and heartache.
But what I've got is hope. I'm not afraid like all the others to live in a dream rather than in reality. And I'm not afraid of being hurt again and again. Some people admire me for that, others call me a fool. But I don't care about anyone, about anything.
Because I'm in love with you. And if my whole life is based on a lie, so may it be.
It's my life, I can do with it whatever I want to do.
I’m dreaming of Australia every night now. I’ve watched the photos of Australia on the internet today and I had to smile and cry at the same time. God, I can’t wait to come back !
Listening to ABC News radio more often now.
Uh our German handball team was mentioned…but we we’re out of the champion game >.<
Oh Deutsche Welle, German News… Wohooo. Bloody Krauts ! Ah Holocaust topic, oh no....
And of course they talk about African refugees overrunning Italian islands, economical crisis aso. Geez, this reporter has such a stupid German accent. Can’t go on listening to that
Better listen to Sunshine Radio ^_^
Watching DFB Pokal, German soccer champion ship at the moment. Was more fun to watch aussie footy or rugby although I don't understand the rules ^_- But it's far more fun !
I can go on without anyone, although I don't want to say that it is what I prefer. It's really stupid.
If I had known how hard this time would be without you I never ever would have left you in the first place. Even though I had to do it.
No I don't expect anything. I know there's no place in your life for me anymore. I accept this. But it breaks my heart anyway. Because I still love you and if we had had the chance to start over again, I'd take it and I'd never let go again.
I get more and more memories in the last days, memories form the our beginning two years ago... the feeling that I used to have, this great unique most beautiful feeling in the world... the feeling to be in love with you. The feeling of nothing bad could ever happen to me, the feeling of endless sunshine and hapiness. The feeling that you're not far away.
Haha, took a quiz today and it said:
'Natural instinkt.
tell us the truth... when you were a kid you played the detective game more than anyother games and you were always the detective.whether you are a private investigator or a govt. agent you will be the top of your field...you have a natural instinct which helps you to understand and look at it from a different angle than everyone else.'
Haha sooo true ^_-
I know it's pretty childish and typical teenie love but I can't stop counting the days of coming back. I can't stop thinking of your birthday when I watch the clock showing 22:11 and on 22/01 I can't stop thinking of it as the first day we met...
It's great when you know you have good friends... They cheer me up when I ask myself why I've done this to myself... doing this training here while I'm not happy with it. They say the bigger my waiting now the bigger will be my hapiness when I'm back in oZ – that made me smile because I know I will be happier than anyone else in the world! I'll prolly jump and scream around as soon as I'm on the Brissie airport ^_^
Now about tonight, when I'll be going to this uni party... I'm not afraid of falling in love again with someone else... if it happens then it happens. But I know I'll be missing you as usual. When will I party with you ? I don't know...(...)
Okay I didn't fell in love with anyone at all, just boys there, no guys ^_- But I had a ball ! Music was fantastic – you would have liked it too – and at the end I really rocked the whole floor ^_^
And then... on my way home with my bike, I had a crying attack... I don't know why, this party was absolutely great and still I thought of wanting to have you here right now.
And I wished I'd still have your number and I could call you and you'd come right away... But that's foolish and now I'm tired, very tired.
It's Saturday 1:42 pm on the eastcoast now (4:42 am in here) and I'm wondering what you're doing...
I don't know if I can make it until I'm back in oZ without your number.. I didn't want to contact you anymore but I just can't take it.. Maybe I write you a letter each month.. or each week.. or each day. Stupid, I know.
I don't know how I can help you or protect you but I'll do my best to keep you safe and to make you happy. So if no contact with me makes you happier... I really hope you're good.
I wish my flight would be tomorrow already..
If I wasn't in this story myself I'd say the same. But it's not always black-white. There is no right or wrong. Where does betraying start anyway ? There are so many people who sleep with his partner but think of others... Betraying in their mind. But they're not the holding of their partner. People are together because they want to be together and not because they have promised to be together.
And maybe you have decided against me although you love me just
to be no arsehole who's betraying his partner. I'd understand that. But it wouldn't change the fact that I love you.
I know, only the one who has been to Australia himself knows about the distance to Germany, it's like being on another planet. Family, friends they all disappear behind the horizon.
So I'm sure this is another reason for you to keep silent. Out of sight, out of mind.
You know I'll be happy to make the experience that my illusions were just illusions but sometimes it takes courage to set warnings to nought even though you know it can kill you. Because for some pessimism means the true death.
The chance is fifty fifty, it can go this or the other way. It can be true or not. Just the own decision counts – the decision wether one believes, trust, acts or wether he/she doesn't. Therefor everyone has the right and the responsibility.
I mean I understand their doubts because I'm having them all the time as well. Again and again. But there are also things that make me believe in you, but I can't tell them because one had have to experience them by themselves.
On the other hand I have given you enough reasons to not contact me anymore.
I don't know the truth, but it's my life and my experience.
And if I come back to oZ and everything they've told me and they've warned me about was true, well then it's what it is.
But everything is better than what I'm going through now. And nothing can change that.
Again, I don't want to destroy your happiness, cowboy. If you're happy with being married to her and sharing your life than that's what you should do.
I know I'm talking so much crap, but it's what I think and I'm not sorry for my words. Just for my poor english as I can't express myself as much as I want. But you don't care about words that much anyway, right kiddo ? ^_-
I don't want to hurt you or your partner and I know you don't want to hurt me either, but love isn't always easy, is it honey ? Maybe you're better without me but I know I'm better with you.
I don't know. It's hard. I know it's hard for you as well. But I can't change it. I'm sorry for loving you.
If you'll ever read this you'll think I have no life. Which is half-true. But I don't want you to know.
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so viel dazu, jetzt ess ich erstmal 5 mandarinen und spende etwas zeit mit meiner mum (blödes denglish
)