hey :3 i'm really wondering how many phases i'll have to go through till my heart and head will finally calm down and just let it be. so now i've had the shocked one, the hopefully dreamy one, the desperately crying one, the angry one, then back to hopelessly romantic, then a mix of it all and today it's kinda dry below the ground 'i was just a new toy you got tired of' mood. do i really have to think you're just an egoistic son of bitch to calm me down? is this now the last phase or will it just blur all into one big mesh up of all the moods and memories? i don't know now if i should be frustrated, that the actual thoughts mean i was nothing to you. and they go much further coz i wonder what were you to me? is this endless love i claim to feel really what it is? wasn't it just that you made me feel good about myself? wasn't you backing up my ego by feeling desired the actual feeling? or is this just another dead end i'm walking down. but you know me, i'll have to play it through completely and take it apart, till i can let it go again. so, as it seems today i've just been some distraction. something to spice up your dull same old same old. and this i did properly! so yeah, if i look at it that way i overdid as usual. you were my hero, the man of all men. when you just littered me your statue started to lose it's shine. and with you slowly falling off the pedestal we started to fight. no more equality. and no matter what i did or how hard you tried, we never achieved it again. like you never managed to make me feel like your little princess again.
so are the thoughts of me not making a difference in your life, or not playing any role whatsoever, any good? sure. they're as extreme as all the others. thinking all you did was use me don't make it easier really. you played a role in my life. maybe some other man could've done the same. but thing is you did. shitty timing. and if you would've been satisfied with us just being friends and nothing more from the start, things would've been differently.
you once said, if you say you like me, you can fuck me as well. maybe after our story you'll think that one over.
maybe i should watch fatal attraction today. then i can tell myself, at least i was nothing like glenn close
even though you would probably say i was kinda like her, only half joking, right?
you know, i think those thoughts won't take me anywhere coz they drag me back to what you're thinking and feeling. it's better just to stay on my side of the fence. it was what it was. now it's over. i'll have my problems with accepting it. but i'll go on not writing to you. and i'll be devastated again if we should meet. till i'm done with all the phases. i'll be angry again and thankful and romantic. no matter what. this is who i am. some things i'll be able to change but mostly i'll stay that way. and some day i won't be thinking anymore that being who i am made me lose you, coz being who i am made you love me as well. and i'll be fine by myself again and aware of who i am.
have a nice weekend! big kissss :*